(Shadow, right, and Jazz)
It is going on two months since my beloved Shadow had to be humanely euthanized due to respiratory distress. It was unexpected and my life hasn’t been the same.
Shadow’s death has stirred many unwelcoming emotions in me. His death has been a shock to my system. I knew as soon as I witnessed him extending his head and neck that fateful morning on August 3rd , he needed medical intervention ASAP. In the end, nothing could help him as fluid surrounded his heart and into his lungs which left him barely able to breathe.
Even until the end, Shadow’s determination and spirit didn’t allow him to give into a dire and unresolvable issue.
He wanted to live but his body said otherwise. That is probably the most difficult reality of his untimely and unexpected death. Shadow was a happy dog. He loved life! He didn’t want to die but I had to make the hardest decision to have him humanely euthanized so he wouldn’t endure a horrible death.
Shadow was in our lives for 11 yrs. 11 fantastic and joyous years! From the moment I made a conscious decision to help him find a “forever” home at the Animal Rescue League as a volunteer at the time, I knew how special he was. Little did I know when I started helping him to come out of his shell at the League, he would be making a forever home in my heart and soul. And that he did without trying.
For me and many others, losing a pet is not just about losing an animal but losing a treasured member of the family. Shadow was/is an important part of our family. For my husband and me, he was our “son”. To Jazz, he was his “big brother”. We have lost a significant member who is irreplaceable.
Because Shadow played an important role in my life over the years, life is not the same. Not having Shadow as part of my everyday life has been an enormous adjustment. I believe and feel other pet parents not only understand but can relate to this. Not seeing that happy face greeting me every morning is sad and sorely missed. I reach for him at times until reality sets in. Not going through our every day rituals is hard to accept. I so want to see his face light up when it’s time to get hand-fed. I had to engage in that practice because of his collapsing trachea. Otherwise, he would gulp down his food and have a difficult time swallowing. So he waited and made sure to give me his paw to shake to get his food. He didn’t need to do that but he thought it would speed up the feeding process if he did. It didn’t and he was patient.
Patience- one of the most endearing traits Shadow possessed. He knew everything would work out as long as he was patient. Shadow’s patience helped him at the vet’s. Shadow was the ideal patient when it came to blood work or receiving injections. He didn’t flinch. He was patient. He was such a good boy. But, he did love to play!
One of the games we enjoyed was hide and seek. He didn’t give up until he found me. We had a blast! Plus, that precious soul had a nose on him that could find a cracker crumb hidden in a chair cushion. That boy had a fetish for my sugarless gum. Trust me, I didn’t allow him access to my gum because of the severe consequences of ingesting it but somehow his nose could detect where a piece of gum was. As a cat will show how he/she conquered a mouse and bring the animal to lay at your feet, my Shadow would bring a piece of gum and drop it in full view for me to see. He wanted the attention and he got it! 🙂 He was so proud of himself!
It has not only been an adjustment for me but for my husband, Ed, and Jazz. Shadow and Ed originally bonded by taking long walks together and that was something they still shared until the end. Shadow loved to be outside. He would go to all of his favorite places and mark “his territory” on a daily basis. And Ed would have to wait until Shadow was done seeking out his favorite spots. Although Ed may have been frustrated at Shadow’s slowness at marking those territories at times, Ed treasured those times.
We loved the many expressions infiltrated by Shadow’s eyes into our souls over the years. His eyes spoke volumes and he knew how to work them to get what he wanted. Sometimes all I had to do was give a certain look with my eyes and Shadow knew instinctively what I wanted. I didn’t need to say many words for him to understand. Just as my eyes spoke to him, his eyes spoke to me. I knew when he was happy, hurting, sad, relaxing and so on. His eyes would literally roll in his head when I rubbed the top of his head. If a dog could appear to be “in heaven” while on earth, that was the time for Shadow. He would relax and enjoy. I never had a dog that would wait patiently and quietly to be massaged.
He was such a remarkable animal. He was extremely intellligent. He knew and understood quite a few words. You could tell him to go get his ball and he would. He LOVED playing ball. Shadow would dare Ed to take the ball away from him while he held onto it for dear life with his paws. Shadow would growl but it was all in fun. He knew many tricks including shake, high-five, lay down, roll over, crawl, stand up and spin around, sit, speak…just to name a few.
Shadow feared nothing. Not heights, which I do. He had no problems walking our four-foot wall or climbing a neighbor’s tree. Yes, he climbed a tree! I have the picture to prove it. He was chasing a squirrel. Had it not been for Ed climbing the tree to get him, Shadow would have climbed higher.
Yes Shadow chased rabbits and squirrels. He loved the chase but never caused any harm to another animal. In fact, once he caught up with them, he just stood there and stared. He loved other animals. When I took care of baby ducks, Shadow was so fascinated by them. I allowed him to see a baby duck up close and personal and he pawed at the little duck so gently. He was trying to help the little guy. His loving touch was so endearing that I had to videotape him engaged with this duck. It seemed he wanted to be the “parent” to that duck.
He loved animals so much that he accepted Jazz as his brother immediately when we adopted Jazz. From the very beginning, the two were inseparable. I was so happy for both. It had been close to two years since our Lady had passed away and Shadow was alone. Shadow was the leader with Jazz. Jaazz looked to Shadow for guidance and Shadow gladly obliged.
Jazz came from a hoarder and knew little about socializing. Had it not been for us adopting him, he probably would have been euthanized. This was his third and last home. Shadow taught him everything Jazz knows today. We watched how Jazz observed Shadow and mimiced what he did over and over again. Shadow was a great teacher for Jazz. I see Shadow in Jazz and I feel so blessed. Shadow and Jazz also LOVED to play. For Shadow, it was a dream come true. Lady, our dog before we had Shadow, loved to play but she never engaged in play with another dog. The closest she and Shadow came to play together was when they were head to head on my bed each rolling around playing with me. So when Jazz initiated playtime, Shadow was thrilled.
As I said, Shadow was very smart. I am an asthmatic and one late night I was having an attack. I am accustomed to them and have been in the hospital for this condition. This attack kept me up in the early hours overnight. I didn’t want to wake up Ed but Shadow had different plans. Shadow decided I needed help. He jumped on Ed’s chest and wouldn’t stop pestering him until he woke up. Ed knew something was amiss. Once Shadow got his attention, he knew his job was done. Thank you, Shadow!!
Shadow knew my many moods and believe it or not, he understood them. He knew when I needed him for strength and a gentle nudge to comfort me. He always had my back. He always watched out for me. I’ve never had a dog that waited for me when I got out of my vehicle. He waited until he knew I was securely out and walking. Only then would he proceed to our home. Wherever he and I were, he always looked out for me- making sure I was ok. He always checked on me.
I could tell you endless stories about my precious Shadow. He was a one-of-a-kind, special dog that I feel so blessed to have had in my life. I wish more people could have a “Shadow” in their lives. Despite being one of the smartest dogs I’ve had and the most emotionally-sensitive and intuitive dogs I had, the legacy left behind by my beloved Shadow will be his joyous spirit. He never let anything get him down. Shadow was not blessed when it came to his health.
He had a collapsing trachea, heart murmur, enlarged heart, lyme disease that reared its ugly head so many times, a floating kneecap that required surgery and allergies. Through all of his medical issues, his spirit triumphed. He didn’t allow anything to get him down. He knew when he had to lean on us but that wasn’t often. He cherished his independence. He was a happy dog and didn’t let his incessant coughing from his collapsing trachea depress him. He was happy during a coughing spell. Unbelievable. I had to physically make him stop playing while he coughed. That is how much he loved life!
He had a joyous spirit about him that was infectious. He made us laugh and smile without trying. His spirit stayed strong until the end. As I stated in the beginning he wanted to live despite not being able to breathe very well. He didn’t want to give in to the inevitable.
I guess that is what is so difficult for me to contend with now. There was no other choice but to humanely euthanize him because he so wanted to live. As someone told me, he lived to give us unconditional love. He surpassed that with flying colors. He gave me so much and I am forever grateful that I decided to help this scruffy-looking dog find a forever home in my heart and soul so many years ago.
I knew I had to show him just how much I treasured and loved him by allowing him to leave this earth so he may not suffer. I could never be selfish and I knew there was no time to waste but to say my heart isn’t broken would be an understatement.
Losing Shadow was a double whammy for me this year on a personal level. It was only months ago that my dad died unexpectedly. Shadow provided me with comfort. Life is not fair, that’s for sure and I still needed him but sadly, it is not to be.
The tears still flow and I’m not ashamed to admit it. Shadow was too important to me for me not to. I still grieve and will for a long time. I believe others who share this bond with their pets can understand. I actually feel sorry for those who can’t and who will never experience this type of bond. It is amazing.
Shadow, you were an amazing and inspirational dog. You will live on in my memories, in pictures and videtapes. But mostly, I will take you with me wherever I go because you live on in my heart. You took a piece of my heart on August 4th but I have a piece of your heart as well. You and I had a bond that we both knew others may not have understood. We expressed that bond during your last seconds on earth when you stared into my eyes while in my arms. I love you Shadow and I miss you so. You were the greatest. Thank you for being a part of my life for the last 11 years. You are sorely missed. Wherever you are, you are now pain-free and healthy. I’m so happy for you. Until we meet again…….
Here is song by Rascal Flatts titled, Forever, that states what I feel not only about Shadow but all of my former “furkids”. The lyrics are written with the video. Click on the link.