“Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” Vicky Harrison
One year ago today, my beloved four-legged companion and soulmate, Shadow(pictured right), died due to upper respiratory distress from congestive heart failure. I remember that day so clearly as if it happened yesterday. That is why this entry is so painful to write. The loss of Shadow has been a very painful process. His death occurred in a year that turned out to be one of the worst years for me personally with the loss of my father, Jazz’s cancer diagnosis (Shadow’s “little brother”-pictured), my husband’s unexpected and immediate critical surgery and me being in a car accident.
Despite the misfortune that we as a family endured, the loss of Shadow hasn’t been overlooked. Not having Shadow in my life has been heart wrenching, to say the least.
He was the one who always looked out for me. He always had my back. He waited for me, like a gentleman, to go ahead of him. I’m not sure I can convey properly what a wonderful, intelligent, caring and loving companion he was.
While Shadow died in my arms, he stared directly into my eyes leading directly to my soul. I know there are those who don’t understand but those who have loved animals as much as I and others have and do, know and feel the content of my imagery. Shadow looked at me directly like no other companion has. We had that type of connection. I’m not taking away any of the indisputable tight bonds I’ve had with my other pets but none ever stared directly at me while being given sodium bentobarbital to end their lives. My other beloved pets would only finally calm down in my arms as they took their last breath. But, Shadow made a conscious and deliberate point of looking at me.
I treasure that moment. A moment that let me know he was going to be okay and so would I. He was telling me how much he loved me and we will meet again. These images stir up feelings that overwhelm me at this moment. It has taken me a long time to get to the place where I am. It is not one of acceptance.
There is a grieving process and the final stage is acceptance. Intellectually, I’ve always accepted the fact Shadow would never be in my life again, here on earth. But, my heart has ached for his physical presence. He was such a special boy. A boy that was left to roam the streets on his own and picked up as a stray 12 years ago. A dog that no one came to claim as their lost beloved companion. Am I glad they never did.
Shadow was one of the smartest and most emotionally sensitive dogs I’ve ever had the pleasure of having. He was comical and learned so many tricks, including climbing a tree. He had no fear of anything. He was so well-behaved. He accompanied me on many tv programs, radio shows, school programs and other events to promote shelter adoptions. He loved it. He was a pro.
What was missing in his life was a companion of his own. We adopted Jazz in 2004. From the moment these two met, they acted like long lost brothers. Instantaneous bond between the two. They played, ate and slept together. They loved each other so much. Shadow was Jazz’s mentor. Jazz came from a hoarder and Shadow was ready and willing to teach Jazz him proper social skills. Jazz observed him something fierce. Jazz looked to Shadow to protect him as a big brother would.
When Shadow died, Jazz took it hard. It was very difficult for him to be the only dog in the home. This was the first time in his life that he didn’t have any other dog to be with him. Jazz barely ate for awhile. Jazz was also lethargic. It came to a point that I had to inform my veterinarian. Jazz clung to me while I was inconsolable. I just didn’t have it in me to console him. I didn’t deny him anything but my heart was broken into a million pieces that I didn’t have the capacity to help Jazz at first.
Because of Jazz’s cancer (oral melanoma) diagnosis two months later, we had to put our grieving aside. I couldn’t bear the loss of another dog and loved one in the same year. The thought of it was imcomprehensible. I have had tight bonds/relationships with all of my pets but my bond with Jazz now became closer. We both lost our best friend and now Jazz needed me to help him as he received radiation. And I was.
Through this ordeal, Jazz and I helped each other to deal with the loss of Shadow. He was still with us in our hearts. We needed his strength which Shadow always provided. Shadow enjoyed being the watch dog of our home.
We are still adjusting. It hasn’t been easy. Jazz now waits for me to come home like never before. My husband told me just the other day how he sees that Jazz lives for me. Jazz needs me and I’m here for him. But, we have not forgotten about his big brother. In fact, we make it a point to talk about Shadow in front of Jazz. Jazz knows that name and when he hears it, he perks up his ears. I often wonder what he would do if he saw Shadow again. He would go ballisitc! Trust me. As would I!
As for getting another dog, I can’t. Some tell me to get another dog-it would save a shelter animal’s life. Yes, that’s true. But, I can’t. I’m not ready. Everyone is different and I’m not here to judge anyone nor should they judge me. I miss Shadow way too much and my heart needs to grieve for him, still. Everyone must take their time in grieving. There is no set time to grieve. I still grieve for my father. I lost two loved ones last year and I need to handle this grief in my own way. If others want to get a pet right away, that is their business, not mine. I personally think everyone needs time to grieve and when you don’t allow yourself that grieving process, you are only avoiding pain.
I must deal with the pain. At this point, I can’t see myself adopting another pet. It’s just too painful. In the same breath, I don’t want Jazz to be alone. Jazz now sleeps beside or under our one bird cage that contains a ringneck parrot when home alone. Jazz needs the comfort of being near someone.
So, we are there for each other like never before. I love my Jazz. Ironically, he has taken on some of Shadow’s traits that he never did while Shadow was alive. It’s like a piece of Shadow is still with us. I’m so grateful to have Jazz. He has a good prognosis and he and I have become so much closer, if that was possible. Jazz has now become my sidekick on tv. He, too, is a natural. Just so proud of him!
To Shadow….I love you, miss you and cherish every single moment we had together. I so wish you were here. Tears still fill my eyes. I can’t help it. You were/are so special to me. Thank you for all the wonderful years we had together. Thank you for always having my back. I will always honor your memory. I want the world to know about you- a shelter dog that no one came for and turned out to be one of the most special dogs in my life. I will never forget how we looked into each other’s eyes and how you could grasp what I was saying with only a flicker of my eyes. You were so smart and loving. Most importantly, you were my soulmate. I love you. Until we meet again, my Roo-Roo…