Last Thursday, my dog, Jazz, finally had his teeth cleaned. The dental cleaning had been postponed due to many personal issues occurring in my life this past year. My father passing away unexpectedly at the end of February hit me like a brick wall but there was no time to grieve since my husband, Ed, had to have a dire operation only over a month later. If that wasn’t bad enough, my beloved Shadow went into respiratory distress three days prior to Ed’s surgery.
Here I was, taking care of my Dad, Ed and Shadow….to say this wasn’t easy is an understatement. I feel being hit by a Mack truck wouldn’t have been as painful or stressful as all of this.
As you may or may not know, Shadow took his last breath on August 4th due to respiratory distress. I lost two important family members in the matter of five months. A devastating blow for me personally that is reminiscent of 2002 when my sister, Teresa, died of cancer and my dog, Lady, died unexpectedly only five months prior to her death. I thought I would never have to deal with two huge losses again in a short period of time. Sadly, I was wrong.
Throughout this year, Ed and I have never forgotten about Jazz. He’s had some health issues this year including problems with two disks in his back that proved to be quite painful for him. He has been seen by our vet a number of times. We knew he was overdue for his dental cleaning. My vet knew the extenuating circumstances and assured us his gums looked good despite the tartar on his teeth.
Finally, last Thursday was the day. Since the tartar was bad, I was told he may have to have teeth extracted. I was less concerned about that than making sure he would wake up from the anesthesia. My fears stem from the fact that I had to face dire situations this entire year. Since Shadow’s death, Jazz clings to me. He needs me.
Shadow was his best friend and mentor. We are trying to slowly put the pieces of lives back together. Our lives are very different without Shadow. I’m trying to help Jazz through the transition. I would be remiss if I didn’t say how much Jazz has been there for me. No, he’s not Shadow. Jazz has his own unique personality and I love it! Shadow was Jazz’s best friend who he leaned on and he learned alot from him. Jazz looked to Shadow to lead him and now Jazz is coming to terms that he is the only dog in the home for the first time in his life. His first home was that belonging to a hoarder-at least-15-16 dogs living in filthy conditions. His second home didn’t work out for him and now he has his forever home where is now “top dog”.
While Shadow was the stronger one and always looked out for me, Jazz is the one who needs to cuddle with me, whether it be on my lap, near my head, by my belly while I sleep. Wherever I am, you will find Jazz. Jazz and Shadow were too peas in a pod. Each is special in his own way and I love them both so much.
Jazz only needs to stare at me with his big eyes just like Shadow did and he has me. Don’t worry, I don’t give into every whim of his. He’s so smart like Shadow. He learned a number of tricks from observing Shadow. What’s even more fascinating is that he learned two more tricks (which Shadow could do) and I must say he learned both in one week since Shadow’s death. Jazz is a character. A character I adore. Where Shadow was more laid-back, Jazz is insecure. He needs someone to lean on. And right about now, he needs us and I need him, plain and simple!
Last Thursday, the phone rang and I heard my vet’s voice on the phone. Thinking she was calling to let me know Jazz was ok, imagine my shock when she told me that a growth was found in his mouth and it needs to be biopsied. I was so stunned that the shock didn’t wear off until hours later. When it hit me, a wave of despair was upon me and found myself with tears streaming down my face.
This can’t be happening! I was told it could be benign or it could be the start of a cancer that could ultimately mestastisized into his body and be fatal. How is my brain supposed to compute this information?
Answer….it can’t. I tried. I can no longer physically, mentally and emotionally handle this until the results are back. I was told this can take 7-14 days.
I have told myself that this isn’t possible considering everything I endured this year. I’ve had to block it out of my mind. What other choice do I have? Scream, cry, hit something?
I have decided to be strong for Jazz. Jazz looks to me to help him and feeds off my emotions. I will be strong for him. If this growth proves to be malignant, he will need me even more as I will need him. My thoughts remain positive. They must! I’ve had a dog die from lymphoma- cancer of the lymph glands and another with a treatable form of cancer. That is why I got involved with 2dogs2000miles. I traveled to Boston last year when a man who also lost his dog to cancer made a trek from Austin to Boston to create awareness about canine cancer. Ironically, his one dog, Murphy, who participated in this journey was diagnosed with nasal cancer shortly after the trek and ultimately died shortly before Shadow died.
So here I am, facing unimaginable pain again. I’m remaining optimistic and trying to block the reality of the situation as best I can. What am I to do? I can’t bear the thought of Jazz having cancer. For now, I wait. I’ve stopped asking why? It gets me no where. Life isn’t fair. That much I do know but no one ever said it was.
I hope and pray this growth is a tiny bump in the road. Waiting is so hard. I just hope that is the worst part of all of this. I need it to be.